Are ultimatums good for relationships?

Sam (No)

Ultimatums can signify or lead to lasting unhealthy relationship dynamics. Once an ultimatum has been established its effects can’t be reversed, the relationship is altered once this action is taken, for better or for worse. Even if your partner’s behavior changes as a result of the ultimatum, they may still hold resentment due to the initial threat of the ultimatum. Additionally, the relationship may also suffer if an ultimatum is presented but the issuer doesn’t follow through on their promise to leave after a boundary is crossed. This may cause one’s partner to lose respect for boundaries in the future because they face no consequences when violating the ultimatum. Some ultimatums are given with bad intentions and are used as a way to control one’s partner. If ultimatums are issued often in the relationship, it may be a sign of emotionally abusive behavior.

Ultimatums target specific behaviors and may ignore deeper problems within the relationship. Ultimatums are often issued by those who feel completely unable to change their partner’s behavior through less extreme measures. This feeling tends to stem from a lack of open and honest communication between partners. If the nature of the relationship does not allow for non-threatening conversations about boundaries, it may be a sign that the relationship needs to end. 

There are other ways to respectfully communicate boundaries with your partner without escalating it to an ultimatum. Ultimatums are an all-or-nothing approach to mending a relationship, thus they present limited options for moving forward. A de-escalated approach encourages understanding between both parties, making it safer to discuss the many ways each partner can contribute to building a healthier relationship.

Joanna (Yes)

The term “ultimatum” is often misused, giving it a reputation as something harmful, unhealthy, and a giant red flag in a relationship. Ultimatums are also thought to be methods of control used in unhealthy relationships so that one partner can threaten and control the other. However, not all ultimatums are destructive. They can help the relationship prosper and be established in healthy ways that do not cause destruction or unnecessary stress. 

Contrary to popular belief, ultimatums aren’t always a sign of a relationship crisis. They can be a ‘last chance’ effort to end harmful behavior(s) before the relationship reaches its breaking point. Additionally, ultimatums can be set as a way to help solidify boundaries that have been ignored or not respected after they were clearly set. For example, suppose one partner needs more time to get ready, and the other partner is aware of this and still doesn’t remind their partner to get ready until the last minute. In this case, the partner that needs more time might eventually have to give their partner an ultimatum and let them know that more time is required before going out; otherwise, they won’t go.

It's crucial to establish ultimatums positively and respectfully. This can be achieved through calm conversations where partners listen to each other’s feelings. Ultimatums should not be used for self-gratification, but rather as a last resort after multiple chances and conversations regarding the issue. When both partners respect each other's boundaries and needs, ultimatums can be a helpful way for struggling partners to communicate effectively.