Should you share relationship problems with others?

Bre (No)

Relationships are intimate and dynamic, so without proper context or the nuance of experiencing a conflict firsthand, there’s no way to paint an accurate picture verbally. Details can be omitted, while others may be exaggerated based on the storyteller’s skewed perspective or emotional state.

There are many reasons to avoid engaging in this type of behavior. Perhaps most importantly, it’s a betrayal of your partner’s trust. Moreover, it won’t solve the issue and can even threaten or harm the relationship.

Sharing your problems puts you both under scrutiny from oft-biased third parties, who are typically unqualified to provide helpful advice. It opens your relationship up to becoming gossip fodder, regardless of the listener's trustworthiness. If that person is also partnered, they’ll probably share with their own significant other, making topics vulnerable to even greater misinterpretation (a-la-“telephone”).

Soon, the recipients of these stories will begin drawing their own ill-gotten conclusions, which can fuel further future misunderstandings. For example, they may pass judgment or perceive the relationship as inconsistent or less serious. And in the event the relationship mends its troubles, the person who heard all the drama may subconsciously hold a grudge against the 'offender' and treat that person differently whenever they see them. 

When someone seeks an ear for relationship woes, they frequently expect that listener to support them in their stance. If they don’t, it can also disrupt the friendship. If they do, it could contribute to a negative feedback loop. Again, this is unlikely to help and can easily exacerbate the existing problems. It’s important to have firm, consistent boundaries in a serious partnership, knowing there will be ups and downs but agreeing to go back to each other in times of conflict, rather than turning outward in search of short-lived approval.

Emily (Yes)

Discussing relationship issues with others can be a helpful outlet or way to glean constructive feedback or advice. The American Heart Association says that “having a strong social support network has been linked to better psychological health.” Research has suggested that relationships can still function optimally when people, especially men, talk about their issues with others in addition to their partners. In fact, the men in this study who fell into this category reported having the greatest happiness levels in their relationships.

When “venting” with a trusted aid, the listener can help provide supportive and empathetic responses. For example, an external party can help identify or confirm if a relationship is unhealthy or abusive. During conversations of this nature, the listener can provide their friend with the reassurance they need so that they do not feel alone. It might also help empower the abused individual to leave their abuser if they know they have support backing them up. For those not in hostile situations, talking to reliable friends can be an excellent way to help decrease conflict between partners.

Furthermore, relationship issues can be discussed without divulging specifics that might embarrass or humiliate the other person. This type of conversation can occur if the recipient practices active listening and the person speaking discusses their feelings instead of criticizing their partner. This also sets the tone of the discussion to be respectful and open rather than critical and demeaning. As long as partners and boundaries are not disrespected, it is absolutely okay to discuss or process relational issues with others. After all, “social connection is a basic human need.”